Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
